From the Other Side
by After Today
Summary: "She's right in front of me, and I can't reach her. She's drowning, and I can't save her." Peeta's thoughts from the other side of the force field during the Jabberjay episode in Catching Fire. Oneshot. Applicable to both the book and the movie, but directly inspired from the corresponding scene in the movie.


She's right in front of me, and I can't reach her.  
She's drowning, and I can't save her.

I don't know what to do. I can't do anything.

The only thing worse than the feeling of hopeless desperation growing in my gut is the sight of Katniss crumpled on the ground, sobbing, clawing at her ears to make the sounds stop.

Jabberjays are dive-bombing her, screaming with the pained voices of her sister, her mother, Gale. I've seen Katniss scared. I've seen her hurt, wounded, angry, stubborn….pretty much the whole Katniss package, really. But this? This is torture.

I can't touch her.

None of these feelings should be new, theoretically speaking. Not the desperation….that's a constant in my life. Especially now that we're back in this hell. But especially the longing to reach out and touch her, to hold her close and protect her from the world and the people who want nothing more than to destroy her.

But there's always something in the way.

After the first Games, it was Katniss herself. Stoic and stolid as always. Never letting her guard down. She shut me out, blew me off. I can't really blame her, I guess. I remind her of everything that had happened. I remind her of the jeopardy that her life, and the lives of her family, and Gale's life were in every single second of every day.

All I had ever wanted to do was keep her safe. And when she looked at me, all she saw was danger.

But now, instead of Katniss and her self-imposed solitude blocking me out, it was this goddamned force field, a literal wall between us. And when she looks up at me, her terrified, tortured, beautiful eyes sought me out for comfort, for salvation.

I can't think of many times in my life when I _haven't _wanted to hold her. But that longing was never so strong as it is in this moment. I want to cry with her, I want to press my forehead against hers and kiss her lips and tell her everything, tell her that I was getting her out, that Haymitch had promised, and that her family was fine, and that she was going to live to see them again and grow old and get married and have babies and share so much love. And the love I had to share…well, that was going to keep her alive. And that was what was most important.

I press my head against the force field, so agitated by the distance that I couldn't think straight. No matter how hard I yell, or how pleadingly I coax, it would be drowned out by the birds screaming in her ears. Her biggest fears being vocalized. Prim screaming for her help. Everything had been for Prim. To hear what it would sound like to lose her…I couldn't imagine.

I can imagine what it would feel like to lose Katniss.

It feels like my world slipping away, falling through my fingertips.

It feels like it did in this very instant. Watching her slowly shut off, and shut down. She curls up into a little ball, resigned, pressing her forehead against the ground.

I was supposed to fight everything in her path. I was supposed to keep her safe. And I failed.

I haven't been focusing on anything but Katniss. I guess that's pretty standard for me. Nothing new, as usual. I don't have a big bag of tricks, anyway, not like her. I have a few. The baby thing was one. Not like it was going to end up doing us any good in the long run. But anyway, as it became more clear to me that she was totally unresponsive at that point, I sat back, powerless, defeated. I notice Johanna doing the same thing with Finnick that I had been doing with Katniss – pressing herself against the field, trying to make and keep eye contact with him. Trying to reassure him that it wasn't real, and that it was okay. But where Katniss's emotions and fears had played out on her face as open as a book, Finnick's face was totally and completely blank. He didn't curl up and cry, he stared straight ahead.

This pain was worse than any of the physical pain I had felt at any point in my life. With the physical pain, at least in the Games there was almost a little bit of reassurance. _Well, okay, then. This is how I'm going to die. _

This was worse. This was dying because _I could not save her._

I get back up on my knees – hard to do with damaged legs – and press myself against the field. Even if she can't hear me, and won't look at me, I start talking.

"It's okay, Katniss," I say. "It's okay. It's not real. It's another one of their games. I'm here. I'm waiting for you. It's just another few minutes now, I promise. It'll be over soon. Shhhh, don't cry. You're so strong, you know that? Huh?"

I want to say more.

_I love you so much.  
I wish you loved me, too.  
I'm dying for you.  
And I couldn't be happier about it._

And then, after what feels like an eternity, it's over. The force field disintegrates, and I fall forward, losing my balance like the clumsy idiot that I am. But it's okay, because I land right next to her, and I scramble to her. She's limp, like a rag doll, and doesn't resist as I pull her into my lap and bury my head into her neck. "It's okay," I murmur, soothing her like a child. "It's over."

She slowly reawakens to the world, uncovering her ears and looking up at me. Her eyes are red-rimmed and still terror-stricken. But they soften when she really _looks _at me. I do my best to smile at her.

I kiss her forehead as she buries herself back into me. We'll need to move on soon. Undoubtedly, people heard us yelling. Well, heard me yelling, anyway. But for right now, in this moment, all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and rock with her, letting her hear my heartbeat, the one that almost stopped not too long before, and the one that has resumed and keeps beating pretty much specifically for her.

And it all makes sense.

As much as I would like to do this for the rest of my life, freezing time to stay in that moment with her, I know that time is not on our side. Sooner or later, we'll have to face the facts.

And I know that means getting Katniss out of this arena by any means necessary.

I also know that that fact necessarily impacts my own survival. Or lack of, I guess.

I'm okay with that.

If I died in this moment, I'd be okay with that, too.

As long as she knows that I do it for her.

[A/N: Really quick, short Peeta oneshot because I saw Catching Fire last night and this scene BROKE MY HEART goodness gracious. It's so much fun to write from Peeta's perspective. I have a few ideas for some other ones so if you like this, please R&R and I'll crank out some more for you!


End file.
